Free Radical

I will go by the lighter side of Chemistry meaning attached to it! An unpaired particle which is free to move here and there and has high level of energy. It relates me to my childhood days, when I used to be very much occupied through my creative mind. In those days, the activities were like re-engineering a toy till it reaches its end or copying elders’ style, talks or being a pseudo-cook of the house. It was indeed a fun time. In all the activities, I used to be heavily engrossed within my highest level of concentration and inquisitiveness. In those times, we used to speak our heart and it didn't involve any false meanings.

As I progressed in age, the sanctity of child's mind lost its purity. The new space in mind and heart started getting replaced by truth, lies; copy and paste; pretexting and pretending the things; and playing diplomatically. This led to erosion of thinking capability and ultimately, I began loosing that free radical.

In totality, I was learning to surrender and being loose on everything. There was never an answer to what to do for which I am passionate about. But, there were number of reasons to develop liking about the things which I don't like. I feel blessed are those who have made it through their heart. And for the rest, seeking blessing is like hoping the best from the Pandora box.

It has become a daily routine now. But I haven’t lost that free radical completely. Its grains are still alive. The only thing I have to care is to nurture it daily. I keep poking myself about it; to make my passion a ground reality and living through it. The life has not left me, so there is no dearth of opportunities.

I have learnt a way to deal with the things I unlike. I have directed all the learning from my current life to achieve my life's mission. When I say truth & lies, here I am learning the art to say truth and detect lies. In case of copy and paste, I am learning to distinguish between the hard-work and clever-work. On pretending about the things, I am learning to easily understand the depth of understanding or fakeness about the work in a person.

I will use all my learning in creating the wonderful organization which works where the heart is. The adversaries in the present situation are engraining me with perseverance and patience, and the confidence is getting stronger day-by-day.

My heart has very huge canvas, where family, friends, society and nation are part of it. It wants to benefit everyone attached to it. I am optimistic that one fine day my Free Radical will see the light of the day.

Phoenix of Love-Humility

My daily mood is set by mornings' freshness and I enjoy my work-out with healthy breakfast. But as soon as newspaper knocks the door, the freshness fades away leaving behind disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration and lot more with me. There is rarely any section, page, article of whose cut-out can be kept which is inspirational in itself. On zooming-out, I see pain in almost all horizons. The pain accomplice with struggle has many different forms - struggle of life on roads, workplace, people adjusting themselves in sleep on footpaths, relations getting sour, defence families losing their only bread-earner in service to nation, pain of a so-called special child of GOD who suffers physical or mental disability, pain of the people who really witness the loss of their closed ones in-front of them in incidents, accidents, or because medically untreatable. The list is endless...!

Before reaching my work-place, I am already stressed, and its an appraisal month, so its a double stress. Somehow, I pretentiously convince that I deserve 30% hike. Seriously, these corporate affairs are nothing less than daily soaps.

Me and Isa spared a moment with each other in evening, where I narrated her those ravaging emotions dwelling within me. We both were numb. Like after every dooms-day there is a hope of light, I called up Dr. Ray, pining the same.

Dr. Ray as his name suggest, cranked with an answer. He narrated an incident, where a man was trying to repair his laptop. The laptop had the worst affair with virus, and fresh installation is the only way to correct it. He emphasized, sometimes its good for a rebirth like phoenix. This rebirth doesn't mean mans' natural life-death cycle. It symbolize to re-seed yourself with love, humility, and be sponge to adsorb others pain. Ray explained that its better to adsorb than absorb others' pain, otherwise one day those ravaging emotions would stay within you and would defeat your purpose of service to them. Ray believed that half of the pain is gone, when they are heard by understanding people who do not do an act of sympathy or empathy. This dissemination creates an empty space in them, which gets filled with a subconscious strength, vigor to fight and win-over. I wanted to see it happening really.

Next day, like everyday I left for office as usual more or less with same state of mind. While driving, I saw a family of five - mother, father and three kids - on the footpath. The kids were playing their games, the mother was busy in cooking and the father was about to leave, either in search of job or for the job. One thing really twinkled my eyes. They all were smiling, contented with no visible signs of complain. I was startled because even myself being better placed in my car with AC power-on, in shut windows, I was not relax.

After the days' work, while returning back, I stopped at their place to watch them. The mother was again in her kitchen, two kids have slept, the father was playing with the third one. Again, there were no signs of discomfort. I was drawn towards them to know their secret. The protective father suspiciously gazed at me. When we started talking, he sensed of no danger from me and took a breather. Finally, irresistibly I asked him, what makes them smile. In a way I wanted to know, don't they get frustrated with this sort of life, or have they lost all hopes....The father replied - "Sahab! hamare pitaji keh ke gaye ki beta khush raho aur santosh rakho, baaki sab us (GOD) par chhod do, mehnat ka fal hamesha achcha hota hai, aur beyimani se sab kuch lut jata hai. Toh sahab, hum mehnat karte hain aur apne aap mei khush rehte hain."

They were the live examples of those simple and meaningful thoughts, unfazed by glitters of the life-show. This father actually got relieved me from my disappointment, anguish, frustration, and rejuvenated a phoenix within me. This phoenix was determined to spread love, peace, humanity through every possible way. It strengthen my commitment to spread love and added a new direction in my words, writing, action. I instinctively offered a toffee to the playing child. He thanked me with his more bigger and bright smile. Oh Boy! Now, even I have started smiling!

IVth Quadrant Love

The morning was just perfect after the night class with Dr. Ray. Being light headed in morning, the breeze was telling me how joyful the life is. I continued with the momentum and went to gym. Dr. Ray was already there. "Good Morning, Kaes! How are you feeling now. I hope you got my point in yesternight." I nodded my head so that his knowledge transcendence should stop there itself, otherwise, I would have to wish a jinx to vanish him for a long time. Sometimes, the knowledgeable person is a big jinx to handle.

The sense of fresh morning was set off because of him. I returned back to home in the sunny morning. "Kaes....is that you!", that was my wife. "Yes Isa...I'm back", that's the only time when my wife looks mysteriously beautiful as in our college days. The dripping water from her hair quintessentially seeds my romantic heart. I get drawn towards her to hold her in my arms and exchange the magical words. "Go to Hell", and she break-away the arm-lock with that sexy smile. But, in our college days she used to be more outspoken to say those original magical words.

The week-days are a mix of emotional tides. We never stay connected in our office hours unless there's an urgency. Once, I mistakenly missed that call which set my evening on fire. My reasons were out-rightly rejected on that evening. She blasted me for an hour about it and spared few minutes on her manger, the real culprit. By the way, is there any national commission for married men! The dinner went for a toss - either I had to be lone chef or order a nearby restaurant. I preferred to be the lone chef to set the evening right, I prepared her favorite hazelnut chocolate mousse. It worked and brought her to normal. At times, an art is must to take care of your love. However, it couldn't avoid those four pillows between us, in night. It rendered me two lessons. Firstly, never accept anything from her parents especially bed-sheets and pillows, because you would never know when your romance is crisscrossed by her parents' affection. Secondly, mastering the art could only remove those pillows. That was never the time to expect the magical words.

Whenever our weekdays gets really abrasive, the Friday gets going and stops at Blue Lagoon. The Friday fever is hinted from the morning itself. Her attire gives me a jaw-drop, and drool to the eyes. My next job is to book a table for us at the Blue Lagoon. In this time of our togetherness, we enjoy with Margarita for the lady and single malt scotch for men. Honestly, these Fridays are very rare, so we cautiously ignore our professional world and happily talks about our dreams, beliefs, friends, anything which haunts us so that we can discuss and remove it. The palate served there is like a cherry on top. Those are the real precious moments. Before going to bed she uttered three words, "Good night sweetheart". Alas! I had to survive with those words.

The weekends are more occupied than our weekdays. The house-hold activities, our shopping spree from grocery to apparels and salsa classes drains out our energy. But, its a fun. The dance scales up our understanding and add meaning to our emotions. Whereas, the shopping activity reflects the true odds of love. I cunningly, have a credit card that could either buy her counted attire or pay the household bills. She, also wickedly opts for the raiment by paying off household bills on her own. In the nutshell, I have to loose. My thumb-rule for her choices is that she should feel comfortable and confident to put on with grace. The rest of the things like color, design, style can be discussed among her choices.

After the hectic day, when I straighten my back, with sleepy eyes in night, she inches towards me and surrounds me as a garland to say, "I Love You Always". I tightly hold her to reciprocate the same. Finally! I have heard it.

Midnight Classes

My heart was pounding heavily, nerves has swelled to twice their size. I was alone in this emergency. The mobile network fluctuated worse than the sensex, luckily the whatsapp message was dropped to next door Dr. Ray.

My home specialist walks-in with sleepy eyes, forgot to change his robe. I sighed, “Oh Lord! Please convert him to beautiful woman for this night!” Pity me, he is still a man.

"Kaes...what happened!!!!" and I explained him everything. He brings out a big injection for my innocent back. I am sure that Supreme Court would grant me mercy after hearing my plea on killing him.

"Kaes... you should see a psychologist", Ray said. I was completely blank, and my mind is startled with questions. "Kaes, you are having MAZeR syndrome, and it doesn’t have any medication". I iterated myself, “This doctor has lost his mind and his associates are right, he should get a divorce now”.

I asked him, "What is this non-sense?” He laughed and said, "Pack your bags for the mental asylum." Now, I am sure he has faked his medical degree. In the meantime, he went into the kitchen and came out with aromatic coffee. Pity me! Why is he still a man.

My curiosity is getting uncontrollable. "Ray, please stop playing pranks in this night and tell me what exactly it is, how I got this problem, and really, it can't be cured???” He turned serious and started off. "Kaes, you are suffering from a very common, and yet treatable problem. MAZeR is - Mutliple Ambitions and Zero Results syndrome."

The moment I heard, I burst into laughter and fell from my bed. He’s a definite quack.

We both were laughing at each other, unstoppable. He explained, "Kaes, the name in itself is self-explanatory. You have very high and multiple ambitions and most of the times your actions are not giving the expected returns. This is troubling you more often."

I argued for the explanation.

Doctor Ray’s wisdom started precipitating. He said, "Kaes look at the number of activities you indulged in. The amount of your efforts being put-in, and its disproportionate outcomes are filling you with disappointment, bit-by-bit. Kaes, why do you want to do so many things in such short time?" "I enjoy doing it, be it learning guitar, or performance in my company, increasing knowledge in professional world, going to gym, Ray"

Ray asked, "What happens if you miss out?”

"I feel disappointed, unhappy about it. I re-think what else can be done to make it better."

Ray said, "Kaes, hold for a while and re-collect your activities of the last week."

"The last week was very hectic. I had to extend my working hours in the office. Due to it, I had to skip my two day guitar classes in the evening, I was not able to gym; it was really a bad week."

"Here you go! You regret on missing those classes. This is what I mean multiple ambitions in short time. When you are so much involved, your mind plays like a ping-pong ball. The unstable mind slowly and adversely affects the physical well-being. You may get sleepless nights, change in eating habits, loose interest, and would eventually scrap it to start afresh. Another side of it also holds true. You have plenty of plans in mind, and have time for it, but you are not able to action on it. This is even more worse.”

"So, What’s the solution My! Lord!"

“Be realistic to understand your capabilities and believe in its expansion as well. Start-off with one plan, stick to it. Once it has become a habit in you, then you are good to take up another activity. All these being in practice, always take care of physical and mental well-being. This would ease off you from your expectation and other problems, and even for a bad day, you wouldn’t feel shackled.”

Ray said, “These words are just common sense, often overlooked and ignored by us. Try it!’

With this scholar Ray, went to his flat. I was feeling better, and decided to re-work on my activities, so that I may not lose my well-being. Thanks Doctor!